Great Dates

While most of these posts are written to poke fun through people's faults, I wanted to let you know it's not all bad. There have been some great dates, some great guys, and some amazing experiences.

While dinner and a movie can be fun, it is safe. Almost too safe. For those of you who always limit yourself to "dinner and a movie" when trying to win a girl's heart, it's time to get creative. Here are some ideas.

• How about dinner and a play...in a dark cemetery. Earlier this summer a guy invited me to dinner, followed by a torch-lit Hamlet Performance in a cemetery. After looking it up online to make sure I wasn't putting myself in harms way with some psycho, I was pretty excited by his suggestion. And, even more impressed by his thrift - it was free. The best part was, it allowed us to get a little closer sharing a blanket on a patch of grass, while I used my English degree to whisper what was going on into his ear.

Hamlet at Lone Fir Cemetery, in Portland, Oregon
http://www.portlandactors.com

• Live music. This is so much more interactive than a movie. You can step away from the noise to chat over a drink, if you want, and if the music moves you, use the beat to close the evening with some dancing. The safest and sexiest way to get your touch on with a girl, and sweep her off her feet!
• Go bowling. Bowling is one of those activities that you can suck at and still enjoy. After hefting the bowling ball down the lane, I will inevitably have a grin on my face every time I turn around, whether I just launched an instant gutter ball, or managed to luck my way into a strike or spare. Plus, the casual pace of the game allows for chatting and silliness over cheap beer! And, bonus. You get to check out her backside the entire evening.

• Hike and a picnic. Is she athletic? If so, this might be a way to her heart! I am fortunate to live in one of the most beautiful parts of the country; the Gorge is just a short drive out of the city and provides endless opportunities for hikes with a view! Find a shorter one, so you can take your time chatting as you wander to the top, where you can soak up the view over a picnic lunch.

Horsetail Falls

Angel's Rest

• Experiential events, typically reserved for kids, can be fun for adults. In Portland we have OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry). Once a month, they offer OMSI After Dark. They close all that fun kid-science down to the kids, add a little alcohol and live music and make it an adult only evening venue, allowing you and your date to act silly re-learning how gravity, sound, and other cool science works.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/06/OMSI_entrance_sign_at_night,_Portland,_OR.JPG

• Go for a bike ride! There is nothing more fun than riding a bicycle somewhere in a bike-friendly city, and nothing more romantic than biking her safely home.

Bike Date

• Meet her at the market. Whether it's a crafts market, or a farmer's market, it is sure to open conversation over people watching, food, and performances! Better yet, if you have been on a few dates and are ready for the next step, meet her at the market to pick up food. Don't forget to sneak in that bouquet of flowers when she's not looking! Then, take her home with you and cook her your signature meal with all the fresh ingredients you just picked out together. Let her help you, by offering her your apron and tying it on her in a seductive way.

http://portland.bigweekendcalendars.com/activities/

• Street Party. These are always fun! They provide a barbecue-type atmosphere that is friendly and fun, without you having to introduce her to your besties on the first date.

Basically, what it comes down to is building opportunities for talk and experiences. While dinner has the possibility for talk, unless it's some place known for presentation or performance, it can be difficult to build an experience. However, if you take her out and do something with her, you have countless opportunities to get to know each other, create discussion, and find out if you are truly compatible.

However, if you insist on playing it safe with the old "dinner and a movie," turn it upside down for everyone's sake. Take her to "movie and a dinner." When she asks why you chose that order, tell her you thought it would give you two something to talk about over dinner. Knowing that you want to talk with her over dinner and end the evening getting to know her, instead of with the memory of some action hero's face on the big screen, is sure to make you her hero of the hour!

Good Spelling is the New Black.

Writing a good profile is a fine line between letting your personality stand out, and not letting it make you look stupid. It allows you to seem high fashion, even if you still wear pleated pants...or spandex tights. Good Spelling is the new black, and I'm here to talk about it.

As I write this post, I fear for every word and sentence I put to screen. If I'm going to write about spelling, I better have good spelling myself, right? I don't just mean, spellcheck and assume I'm good, I mean - use the correct spelling in the correct place. Well, a blogger can't cross her fingers, but I will type this in a hand-woven potato sack made out of hemp rope if it'll help!

When I read a profile, one of the biggest turnoffs is not so much bad writing as bad spelling. In an era of technology, where spellcheck is readily available, this is akin to the sound of nails on a chalkboard, or the sound I make when zombies chase me for my brains! It's not good. Technology has made many hot men appear stupid, lazy, or both. You might spell 'to' correctly, but all too often, you should have typed 'too'. Spell check doesn't fix this. It's smart, but not always that smart. Be smarter than your spellcheck.

And if you're writing your profile from your smart phone using Swype or other Word Prediction Technologies, proof it...ten times over. Because those Droids and iPhones have a sick sense of auto-correct, and a bad one can say a whole lot about your common day-to-day conversations. "Just ass me,"is not something I want to do with someone I just met.

I am, on occasion, known to overlook a profile written with cheese out of a squirt can, as long as the grammar and spelling is correct. However, you can be the most amazing person, but if you continually confuse 'then' with 'than', and 'there' with 'their', I will Karate chop block you as fast as Kung fu lightning! And yes, I realize Kung fu is not the same as Karate; but just go with me on this.

Your profile is your resume for dating. It showcases you in your best light. You're competing with a lot of great guys, and your profile is your way of not looking great like the rest of them, but Super, like a DC comic hero! Personally, I love a man who can spell, and who enters a room belting, 'Shazam!'

Shazam! http://images.t-shirts.com/womens-dc-shazam-logo-distressed-logo-hr.jpg

Just as you have someone look over your resume for typos, you should have someone do the same for your profile. I know, for some of you, the whole online dating thing is still a secret closet you are afraid to come out of. But if you eventually want to meet Ms. Right and leave the closet for good, then having your friend or a family member go over your profile is a must!

Here are some of the most common mistakes:

• to, too, two
• there, their, they're
• your, you're
• it's, its
• a, an
• or, our, hour
• then, than
• who, that, which (and witch - true story, peeps!)
• loose, lose
• well, good

...and the list goes on. But if you take care of these, most of us Wonder and Cat Women will overlook the rest.

If you see the list above, scratch your man balls and think, "I don't get it," here's redemption and humor all rolled into one. One of the best tongue in cheek sites online, The Oatmeal, offers a blog on their site with entire posts dedicated to grammar that make even Louis CK laugh out loud, as he uses it to proof his online dating profile! Wait just a minute...Who am I kidding? He's hilarious and rich (!!), and has people who do all that shit for him. But if he were funny and broke, he would use The Oatmeal's Blog Posts on Grammar.

Louis CK http://cdn.crushable.com/files/2011/12/louisck.jpg

ONE NIGHT STAND:LOUIS CK BY ONE NIGHT STAND (DVD) (Google Affiliate Ad)

Use it, abuse it, and make your profile look like whatever DC Superhero you want. Because with Good Spelling, your profile is dressed in the New Black, and you can get away with spandex tights!

Falling in Manholes (Love)

My last post was all about the humor and failure we find in the dating world. For all I know, I have my own annoying quirks, and some guy has listed me on his TOP 10 WORST DATES blog.

Dating isn't easy. Each time you put yourself out there, you become vulnerable in the chance that you might meet someone worth being vulnerable for. It's exhausting, really. And, most of the time, I don't much enjoy the process.

But I have enjoyed a few lessons this summer and this post is about what I have learned: about myself, about dating, about whoever "the special someone" will be, who I  will fall in love with.

Special someones are not all about attraction. I have dated the hot guy. And my mom was right, "Never date anyone hotter than you."

And they are not about compatibility. I have dated this guy too. He, inevitably, becomes your best friend - until he meets his special someone, who won't let you hang out with him anymore.

http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2012/05/04/nyregion/04manhole.html

Special someones are the people you meet at the corner of Attraction and Compatibility, when you both mistakenly fall into a manhole and are forced to hang out until help arrives. Eventually, you realize it won't, and you begin talking about how you are going to pull yourselves up and together you come up with a plan. This is when you think, hey, aren't we compatible! And attraction, when you execute the plan, forcing yourselves into close proximity. Where he is forced to lift your entire body weight above his head while stating that you are "light as a feather," and you are forced to smell his body odor as you climb on him to pull yourself up and then run for help...or a ladder.

After the rescue is at an end, you give him your phone number and he immediately calls you to make sure it isn't fake. When your phone vibrates, you pull it out of your purse and silence it. Then, you snap a picture of him to go with his phone number, so you can ask your friends later if he is as cute as you think, and repeatedly tell them, "He was much better looking before we fell into the manhole, I swear!"

Then, after a few outings, dinners, and other dates, each where you have dodged a kiss, you realize you have to spill your real guts. Vulnerability begins. He is worth it, you think. "I'm allergic to Sodium Lauryl Sulfate!" you blurt. "So, if you want to make out, I need to know what kind of toothpaste you use." If you live in Portland, or are dating a guy who works at Whole Foods, this usually goes well. "I use all SLS-free products." This is when you find yourself back at the corner of Compatibility and Attraction. If he's a good kisser, you will hang out here forever, eventually getting a place together with all the other attractive and compatible people.

If not, he becomes one of those "best friend until..." guys and after an acceptable time, you are free to date again. After all, you know what they say, "There are plenty of manholes in the sea - fish in the manholes - sea in the fish?..." I don't care what they say. Dating isn't easy.

Your Mug Shot is not so Hot

Okay, boys. I'm back, and this one is all about profile pictures and is broken into two parts:

Part the First - How to win a date:

It's simple. Follow these tips and you can't go wrong!

• Find a good, clear shot where you are smiling. 
• Make sure it's current. 
• Don't take your own picture, ask a friend. 
• Don't post pictures with your ex and cross out her face.
• If you post pictures of yourself with small children, clarify - are they yours?

Part the Last - Your Mug shot is not so hot:
Avoid these all too common mistakes to avoid an empty inbox on your online dating profile!

1. Why is every guy, in every profile, holding a fish? What's up with the fish? I don't get the fish. I mean, I get that you like to fish, but I don't get the fish. In. every. single. picture.

2. Why are you always on a mountain top? It's really cool you climbed a mountain, tackled a pyramid, scaled the side of a rockwall like Spider-Man, but I can't see you!

3. Why are you always taking your own picture in a bathroom mirror? Do you not have any friends? Maybe you should find a friend first. Then, focus on dating.

4. Why are you wearing a mask, or covering your face, in all your pictures? When I meet you will you wear a mask? Get rid of the mask.

5. This shirt will not get you your dream lady. It might get you a lady, but trust me, you don't want that lady.

6. Why do you insist on posing naked? We know what you eventually want, but hold back a little, even if it's pretty and nice to look at. And if you're gonna give us surprise naked shots, at least show your face.

7. Why do you insist on posting a picture of a "rooster" instead of your face? You think this is funny and will induce me to click? You've been "rooster" blocked. Especially when the first words in your profile had to do with your "rooster".

8. Why don't you smile? Why do you look angry in all your pictures? No girl wants to date a sour puss. Turn that frown upside down.

9. Finally, don't get too close. This is too close. This should only be reserved for after a couple has been married a few years and a nose-hair trimmer has just been wrapped for your birthday present.

**Post your favorite or any you think I missed in the comments section below!

The Ryan Gosling Complex

Well, the Dating 4 Groceries Post was pretty popular, so I'm back with more and will post more in the future as long as I have ammunition. Keep it coming guys!

It isn't a Top Ten Do-Not-Do List, like last time. Nope. This one is solely for those of you with The Ryan Gosling Complex, so listen up!

If you say you look like Ryan Gosling...this is Ryan Gosling...

then, you better look like Ryan Gosling. Or you are setting yourself up for failure and me up for disappointment. I don't care if you don't look like him, just don't lie and pose your pictures so I think, well, maybe...

Don't take this personally, I'm here to help. I think what happens in these scenarios is one of the following things:

1. Your ex was drunk, you were blurry, and she said you looked like Ryan Gosling.
2. You want so badly to look like Ryan Gosling, you see him in yourself, but no one else does.
3. You look like Ryan Gosling in one out of the 300 photos you have of yourself, and claim it always.
4. You used to look like Ryan Gosling, but that was several years ago.

Boys, here is how to handle the, "I think I look like a famous hot guy who all girls are dying to date" situation.

Ask a friend. If you don't know how to ask, repeat after me, "Do I really look like Ryan Gosling? I need you to shoot straight with me friend/sister/mom/ex, because I'm about to claim it on my online dating profile and it could ruin it for me if it isn't true."

Be prepared. Here are possible reactions from the friend/sister/mom/ex:

1. Laughing: Make sure they aren't drinking anything, or it might end up on you!)
2. Pity: "Oh, honey. Where did you get that idea?"
3. Sarcasm: "Yeah, right! And I look like Christian Bale!" (p.s. Your friend is gay.)
4. Head Tilt and Pause: "Only when you look to the left and I squint."
5. One in a million: "Actually - yes, you do. Own it, Brutha!"

If you get number 5, I would cross check. If you still get number 5, and you know how to use proper grammar, and be a gentleman on occasion - you will be swooped up by the woman of your dreams in no time and they will be lined up around the block to get that chance. 

Otherwise, let it go, and pray for the day that you will meet your special match. The one who will love you for who you really are, who will occasionally see you as her very own Ryan Gosling, through beer goggles. And the odds of that happening are way better than one in a million!

Dating 4 Groceries

I have had a lot of free time this summer. To run, play, hike, sleep, update my resume, and job hunt. And well, date. In an effort to speed up the process , I've been an active participant in the online dating scene.

And...I don't want this to come out wrong, but when you don't have a paycheck coming in, this is a great way to save money. Chivalry is not dead, girls! Many a guy will buy a girl dinner. Actually, in all honesty, I am so ready to meet someone special. But along the way, I have had the privilege of meeting a lot of men, who while not special, are especially memorable.

Guys, if you're reading, I've compiled this list, especially for you.

What NOT to do on a first date:

1. Do not tell me how you beat a guy up and got 86ed from one of my favorite vegan, watering holes (Bye and Bye). Furthermore, don't tell me it was over an argument that non-meat products should not try to taste like meat. This is a silly argument. I don't like people who argue just to argue, and I really don't like guys who punch people, unless they are being attacked in dark alleys and are defending themselves against black eyes or worse! You, sir, have been 86ed, by me. Bye...and bye.
2. Do not bring me a bag of coffee beans as a gift on a first date. With the exception of flowers, gifts on a first date, with someone you have never met, are awkward. Especially when we don't hit it off. Do I give the coffee beans back to you? Do I grind them, brew them, and drink them up first thing each morning while I think of you? I'm not sure. They are in my freezer. I think of our horrible first, last date, every. time. I open. the freezer. Thanks for the memories!
3. I will admit it. I did listen to Bryan Adams in the 80's and part of the 90's, but only because I didn't know better. When you tell me you regularly bring down the karaoke house with "(Everything I do) I do it for you," well, it really doesn't DO anything for me. 
4. Do not bring your guitar on our first date and precede to serenade me 10 minutes in. This is strange. Especially when you finish the song, ask me if I like and recognize it and I'm forced to lie out of politeness. My mom taught me, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Blog about it. Later. Done!
5. The giant wad of chew in your lip that you just put in your mouth when you excused yourself to the bathroom is not invisible. It looks like a giant zit erupted from the bottom of your face. And please, don't try to be sneaky by swallowing it. All I can think of is your health insurance rates going up in the coming years as you die a slow, painful death of all the cancers that occur when you choose to chew and swallow tobacco. Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?
6. Don't lie on your profile and tell me you are four-inches taller than you really are, or that you have an "athletic" build when you don't. Clue: when we meet, I will know. It's not that I don't date short guys, or that I am not interested in guys who have an "average" build, or maybe even have "a little extra". It's that I don't date guys who lie and are dishonest.
7. Don't tell me about how fashion savvy you are. The front pleats in your pants want to go home, back to the 1980's.
8. Puka shells are only cool when you are a frat boy in college, not a business man, on a date, in a nice restaurant. And the shark tooth that is wrapped in wire and hanging on a cheap, leather cord is not brag worthy. You did not kill the shark. In all likelihood, it is fake and made of some plastic by small children in a third-world country. This makes me sad. It makes me even more sad when you tell me about this necklace and incorporate the word, "dude" into your sentence more than three times. Dude, all that came of your date is right here. It has become a bi-line in a Do-not-do list for guys. Dude not do this. Ever again. Save the environment from your fake, plastic shark tooth that will become landfill when you realize it no longer gets you the dates that it used to. Save the poor children who make them. Let them go to school. There are better ways to impress the ladies.
9. Don't tell me over appetizers that a lot of your friends think you're secretly gay. How does one respond to this statement? Should I say, "Oh no! You are so manly. I can see it by the way you wear your puka shell necklace." Or perhaps I should take another angle, "Tell me more about these friends of yours?" I guess all I can say is, "Thank you for not leaving me guessing."
10. And finally, please do not introduce yourself and end the sentence with, "...and I am hoping that this will be my last first date ever!" unless you are trying for humor. Because when I laughed, and you didn't, it insured that this, would indeed be our first, last date, but not yours. That date was the longest 30 minutes of my life. 

This isn't to say I'm not grateful to all of you. I am and I applaud you. Thank you so much! You have provided many a laugh as I fumble my way through this world of single men. And, many a meal for this girl, who as of yet, has no next paycheck. So until I meet Mr. Right, or get a job, or preferably both - I will occasionally venture into the world of Internet dating, or as I like to call it: Dating 4 Groceries.