Dating 4 Groceries

I have had a lot of free time this summer. To run, play, hike, sleep, update my resume, and job hunt. And well, date. In an effort to speed up the process , I've been an active participant in the online dating scene.

And...I don't want this to come out wrong, but when you don't have a paycheck coming in, this is a great way to save money. Chivalry is not dead, girls! Many a guy will buy a girl dinner. Actually, in all honesty, I am so ready to meet someone special. But along the way, I have had the privilege of meeting a lot of men, who while not special, are especially memorable.

Guys, if you're reading, I've compiled this list, especially for you.

What NOT to do on a first date:

1. Do not tell me how you beat a guy up and got 86ed from one of my favorite vegan, watering holes (Bye and Bye). Furthermore, don't tell me it was over an argument that non-meat products should not try to taste like meat. This is a silly argument. I don't like people who argue just to argue, and I really don't like guys who punch people, unless they are being attacked in dark alleys and are defending themselves against black eyes or worse! You, sir, have been 86ed, by me. Bye...and bye.
2. Do not bring me a bag of coffee beans as a gift on a first date. With the exception of flowers, gifts on a first date, with someone you have never met, are awkward. Especially when we don't hit it off. Do I give the coffee beans back to you? Do I grind them, brew them, and drink them up first thing each morning while I think of you? I'm not sure. They are in my freezer. I think of our horrible first, last date, every. time. I open. the freezer. Thanks for the memories!
3. I will admit it. I did listen to Bryan Adams in the 80's and part of the 90's, but only because I didn't know better. When you tell me you regularly bring down the karaoke house with "(Everything I do) I do it for you," well, it really doesn't DO anything for me. 
4. Do not bring your guitar on our first date and precede to serenade me 10 minutes in. This is strange. Especially when you finish the song, ask me if I like and recognize it and I'm forced to lie out of politeness. My mom taught me, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Blog about it. Later. Done!
5. The giant wad of chew in your lip that you just put in your mouth when you excused yourself to the bathroom is not invisible. It looks like a giant zit erupted from the bottom of your face. And please, don't try to be sneaky by swallowing it. All I can think of is your health insurance rates going up in the coming years as you die a slow, painful death of all the cancers that occur when you choose to chew and swallow tobacco. Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?
6. Don't lie on your profile and tell me you are four-inches taller than you really are, or that you have an "athletic" build when you don't. Clue: when we meet, I will know. It's not that I don't date short guys, or that I am not interested in guys who have an "average" build, or maybe even have "a little extra". It's that I don't date guys who lie and are dishonest.
7. Don't tell me about how fashion savvy you are. The front pleats in your pants want to go home, back to the 1980's.
8. Puka shells are only cool when you are a frat boy in college, not a business man, on a date, in a nice restaurant. And the shark tooth that is wrapped in wire and hanging on a cheap, leather cord is not brag worthy. You did not kill the shark. In all likelihood, it is fake and made of some plastic by small children in a third-world country. This makes me sad. It makes me even more sad when you tell me about this necklace and incorporate the word, "dude" into your sentence more than three times. Dude, all that came of your date is right here. It has become a bi-line in a Do-not-do list for guys. Dude not do this. Ever again. Save the environment from your fake, plastic shark tooth that will become landfill when you realize it no longer gets you the dates that it used to. Save the poor children who make them. Let them go to school. There are better ways to impress the ladies.
9. Don't tell me over appetizers that a lot of your friends think you're secretly gay. How does one respond to this statement? Should I say, "Oh no! You are so manly. I can see it by the way you wear your puka shell necklace." Or perhaps I should take another angle, "Tell me more about these friends of yours?" I guess all I can say is, "Thank you for not leaving me guessing."
10. And finally, please do not introduce yourself and end the sentence with, "...and I am hoping that this will be my last first date ever!" unless you are trying for humor. Because when I laughed, and you didn't, it insured that this, would indeed be our first, last date, but not yours. That date was the longest 30 minutes of my life. 

This isn't to say I'm not grateful to all of you. I am and I applaud you. Thank you so much! You have provided many a laugh as I fumble my way through this world of single men. And, many a meal for this girl, who as of yet, has no next paycheck. So until I meet Mr. Right, or get a job, or preferably both - I will occasionally venture into the world of Internet dating, or as I like to call it: Dating 4 Groceries.